I should be doing one of two things right now, either sleeping or doing homework. Both of which are important and not given enough thought or effort everyday. However, instead, I am here writing in this blog because for once I feel moved to say something. When I feel moved to say something, there can be no stopping me.
I started another week of classes at Catolica. What a long week but yet a very short week. I've been here for two months and one week already...I cannot believe it. Two months ago I was at home with my friends--my world seemed organized and ordered. Then one month into being here, my world turned itself upside down. The world took one look at me and said, "here I am, come to me. Explore me. Forget security. I'm here. Come see all that I have to offer. SERVE HERE!" But where exactly am I to serve? I'm feeling torn and pulled in all directions. See, here's the deal: I'm a double major- El Ed and Spanish Ed. I could be content teaching in either area, but here's the kicker...I don't know if I want to settle for contentment when there is a whole world of possibilities waiting to be explored. I really wish money were not an option. I feel like now I'm stuck, here is why I am torn. I want to serve. I don't need a lot to live. But I feel like I can't follow my heart because here in reality there is something called: loans, bills, etc. The darkness of debt that will follow me for years to come. That's part of the reason I am really upset that Messiah is charging us almost $4000 more than ISA's price to be here in Chile to study abroad. FAIL. Messiah is so extremely expensive as it is and I have no idea how I will ever pay for it and live the life I am dreaming. I prefer living in the: you only get one shot at life, better life it well and have nothing hold you back: mode than in look at that bill. I really sometimes question whether I should be at Messiah. Though, I know how truly blessed I am to be there, there are so many great things about that school and I probably talk way too much about it here with my host family. I just can't stop missing it at times. But I can't help but wonder if the price is worth it in the end.
So to elaborate on the life I am dreaming, well I'm dreaming of living in the world. My goal is to leave some sort of mark, a footprint, something on each of the continents. I want to live largely and live for God everywhere. I can't sit still. I want to share my dreams with my family and friends, especially my parents, but I feel like I can't because every time I do my dad is like well you need a job, you need to make money, you can't just travel, get a secure job. And its not just him. Then I have the other end of the spectrum, Hillary, telling me just to do it. (probably because she is tired of hearing me talk about this stuff...I can't help it) What does all of this mean anyways? Where do I go? Yes, I have to trust God and his timing--but unfortunately, Messiah and bills have different, less flexible schedules to follow. If I can't find a job that lets me live in the world (meaning travel) for the rest of my life, then I at least want to take advantage of it now. I found out about an opportunity for next summer that I'm seriously considering. I haven't really told a lot of people about it yet because I'm afraid of how they'll react. I don't even know if it is reasonable or possible for me to do but it combines all of my interests: teaching, teaching english, traveling, living in other cultures, students, being on another continent, into one. Its a Christian Program called English Language Institute/China. Yes, I know...Here I go again. I can't help it. I didn't know when I was born that I'd get the travel bug. But I do know, that this experience, this opportunity, if I can figure out a way to do it, will definitely help me to decide what I want to do with my life. I just have to raise the support to do it.
I guess dreams become more real when you publicly post them for all to see or to criticize. I just had to get this stuff out. As much as I love Hillary and the people I talk to on Facebook and AIM sometimes that isn't enough. I really just need to sit down with someone and talk to them about life soon. I mean I do it but not enough. And I talked to Dra. Rodriguez briefly the other day through Skype and I've gotten really good advice from people like Profesora, but sometimes you just need someone to sit down and process it all with you. That's the stage I am in right now. The stage where I need encouragement, support, reality, and someone to listen to me. That's all.
Yes, this is a time to learn from. A time to grow. Its a test, I know it; that's the problem. I know the solutions and the answers, I just second guess myself and fail way too often. I know that God doesn't expect me to know it all right now. His test isn't about that. His test is about making me trust him. And seek his advice and guidance. I have to learn to listen to that still small voice, though I have no idea what it sounds like or where to find it. There was something profound that I wanted to say but now I can't for the life of me remember it. Oh well.
Anyways, I just need guidance right now.
What's been going on in my life otherwise?
It rained horribly on Tuesday. I don't like that much rain. I like to boycott it.
Wednesday I started my volunteer placement at the Jardin Infantil. I have to learn how to get out of the observer mode and help out. I made a lot of comparisons between childcare in Chile (renaca alta) vs. in the US. We'll see how it goes. I don't know if I can be a Tia. The day was full of travel, etc too. I walked to Sausulito for Children's Lit (25 min and a HUGE hill with a pretty view), 30 minute bus ride to Renaca Alta--Jardin Infantil esta aqui, 45-60 (not sure) bus ride to Valparaiso, 10 Metro Ride to Vina, 25 minute walk home. POR FIN!
Children's Literature on Wednesday- we spent the period creating Christmas carols and singing them. Very entertaining. I like this class a lot.
I also got to talk to Dra. Rodriguez like I mentioned. That was good. We tried skype but it kicked us off every thirty seconds, I gave in and called her office. We talked for awhile and she wrote a great email to my other advisor, Suzanne Fenell. I'm very grateful for that and very eager for a response. I learned that I'll have more than enough credits to finish too. And I even spoke some spanish with her, that made me feel proud.
One of these nights the earth moved a little bit. There was a temblor, which is like a tremor. Strange sensation.
Hillary and I walked around Vina today. I bought a bookbag which I learned had a stain on it. Fail. But at least it looks loved and it was only $8. I also bought a scarf :)
This evening I tried out another History class ( I was late because Hillary and I went to Jungle Juice, she does a very good job at trying to get me to skip my classes...). When I got to class and realized what we were doing (the TA was talking really fast and there were a lot of notes on the powerpoint), I started to laugh really hard to myself because THIS IS THE SAME CLASS I DROPPED WITH CHILEAN STUDENTS! The only differences are the teaching style and the fact that it is with International students once a week instead of two. Oh man. What an adventure. I'm glad I'm taking it though. It'll be interesting.
ISA is arranging tutoring the three of us ISA students that are in my Lit Class...that doesn't sound promising but I'm excited nevertheless, it'll be nice to have someone explain what's going on even though I'm following it sort of. The class is interesting.
My host family talked about music tonight...apparently my host dad like Beyonce...and my host mom likes African American singers. It took me forever to distinguish the names because their pronunciations were well to put it nicely...bad. OH well provided a good laugh.
Uno is now an addiction for many people.
And that's all I feel like thinking about now.
Thanks for reading.
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